1582. Embrace the Courage to Be Disliked

This book talks about a way of living that offers a different perspective on how we think about freedom, relationships, and the stories we tell ourselves.

It’s read like a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man, unpacking Alfred Adler’s psychology through Socratic debate. The ideas feel almost offensive in how they challenge conventional thinking about trauma, relationships, and happiness.

The main message? 

I am not determined by my past, and am actively choosing my current reality.

5 Ideas That Stuck

• Separation of tasks: let them.
• The difference between teleology vs etiology
• All problems are interpersonal
• Community, contribution, and happiness
• Horizontal Relationships

Separation of Tasks

This is the framework I’ve been using to help recently navigate relationships. Adler argues that most interpersonal problems come from pushing ourselves into other people’s tasks.

Things that are really their responsibility, not ours.

Not mine.

My brother posted things on social media that I found hurtful. That’s his task – the posting on social media part. 

See, my task is deciding how I respond, what boundaries I set, and what energy I give moving forward.

Teleology vs. Etiology

Traditional psychology looks backward—why did this happen, what caused me to be this way…

Adler flips it. 

What purpose is this serving me now?

The example in the book is someone with social anxiety who won’t leave their house. 

Etiology asks: what trauma caused this fear? 

Teleology asks: what goal are you achieving by staying home?

• avoiding the risk of rejection?
• maintaining a sense of control?

For me, this reframed all those years of carrying protective responsibility for my brother. It wasn’t just a trauma response—it was serving a purpose.

It caused me to feel needed, important, like I had some control in this crazy life.

Recognizing this didn’t make it wrong, it made it visible.

And visible things can be changed.

All Problems Are Interpersonal

Adler believed that all human problems are relationship problems. Even individual struggles like self-esteem, anxiety, depression…

They exist because of how we relate to others and our community.

This connects to my plant-based diet, my ultra running hobby, my work choices, my way of life… 

I’m not optimizing in a vacuum. 

The courage to be disliked means accepting that living authentically will sometimes mean disappointing people, confusing them, or losing their approval. 

And that’s okay

Because the alternative is trying to make yourself fit in a box to meet external expectations…

which is it’s own form of betrayal – Live your life.

Community Feeling

This is Adler’s answer to meaning and happiness:

Contributing to others. 

See happiness IS contribution. It’s seeing yourself as just a small bite of the entire pie. 

And it’s not about grand gestures either.

It’s more about the daily choice to show up for your people…

It could be my customers at work, runners or support at aid stations, family, the neighbor next door, the readers of this blog…

Here are two examples of when I feel most aligned with something beyond myself: 

• When I’m running ultras, the community feeling is magical. We’re all suffering together, helping each other through, celebrating collective endurance and pushing boundaries. Plus, the amount of love, support, and belief that goes into these things from all the runners, their crew, volunteers, it’s a team effort. And it’s damn amazing to witness.  
• When I’m with my wife, the feeling of community is galactic love. We’re building our life together, helping each other along the way, celebrating our wins, and learning from our losses.

So the book explains that happiness is contribution—that we’re happy when we’re being useful to others. \

This resonates with my best moments…

but it also raises questions about rest, pleasure, play…

Is reading fiction contributing? 

Is a 5 hour long run contributing?

Maybe the answer is that these things restore capacity for contribution. 

Or maybe happiness is just more complex than one philosophy can capture.

Horizontal vs. Vertical Relationships

The last concept that the book talks about is how real relationships go horizontally.

No one above or below, just equals. This challenges conventional ideas about parenting, teaching, elders, even coaching, doesn’t it? 

I see the value in this for my relationship with my younger brother. We’re not child-protector anymore. We’re two adults navigating our own paths, on the same playing field. Two people apart of the same team

But I’m still figuring out what this means for other dynamics— like when someone genuinely needs guidance vs just letting them figure it out.

I’m starting (trying?) to resort to the latter. 

What I’m Still Wrestling With

The book is almost dismissive of trauma as a determining factor in current behavior. 

Yes, I believe we have the power to choose how we live our life now. But pretending the past doesn’t shape us feels almost diabolical. 

I think the truth is somewhere in the middle: life experiences create patterns. Patterns can, and dare I say, probably should – be rewritten. 

The past influences but doesn’t dictate. I’m not determined by losing both my parents when I was 12, but I’m also not unaffected by it.

Peeling back the onion sucks, 

but it’s damn worth it  

How This Shows Up Now

I’m using separation of tasks constantly. With brother, with Corie, with work dynamics, with my own expectations of myself.

I’m catching myself when I slip into teleological thinking—when a behavior pattern is serving some hidden purpose I’m not acknowledging.

I’m trying to build more horizontal relationships, whether that’s newer runners, new coworkers, or transforming deep relationships. Not rescuing, not managing—just showing up as an equal who’s walked a similar path.

And I’m working on the courage piece. Not people-pleasing. Not performing. Not optimizing for approval. Just being the version of myself that aligns with my values and accepting that some people won’t get it. And that’s okay. 

The Bottom Line

The Courage to Be Disliked helped me put words for things I’d been feeling but couldn’t really articulate. 

It’s not a complete system—is any philosophy?—but it causes us to think.

To reflect on relationship dynamics, personal responsibility, and the stories we tell ourselves.

The title is everything.

It takes real courage to stop managing other people’s opinions of you, to step back from tasks that aren’t yours, to live according to your own definition of contribution and meaning.

I’m a work in progress. I’m still building that courage. Still catching myself sliding into old patterns. But I have a framework to fall back on when I need it.

And frameworks create space for intentional change.

That’s what Adler understood: we’re not fixed beings reacting to our past. We’re choosing beings, constantly creating ourselves through the decisions we make right now.

The question isn’t “why am I like this?”

It’s “what am I choosing, and what am I choosing it for?“​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Any thoughts?

✌🏽🌱